I haven't been writing I am aware of this, and mostly because shit is happening. Today has been a really sucky day, had some panic-attacks and depression is suficing not fun at all but what am I supposed to do?
I have realized that I am percieved as passive agressive, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm turning into my mom, NOOOOOO!!!! clenching fists screaming to the sky.
But back to what has been going on....well me and E are not together anymore, apparently the passion has subsided, still living together as friends though, and I'm fine with that. Now I just have to learn how to handle him dating others. I'm feeling like i'm back to square one since I have a tendency of loosing myself when I'm in a relationship. So he's moving back to Kinna soon, don't know when though, but we'll see. i'm looking for an apartment there, but it's not so easy to get one.
that is a huge stress for me the realization that I have to be alone, I really dislike it but I will just have to deal with it.
I have also realized that I have only 3 friends or something like that. and of those one is extremely sick, with leukemia, one is living in the country and one is leaving ... I think that my thing is that I feel like I'm being left hanging, that ppl are forgetting about me like they have in the past. Logically it's not so but emotionally it is and I feel as if I'm shutting down, completely. Turning to Apathy or something like that. But there is probably a reason why the called me the Ice-Queen in the house. Not to mention the biggest tease ever.
But anywho, at this point I know that when it comes to "love" fuck it, cuz I can't handle the hurt anymore, at least not for a looong time (again) And seriously who gives a shit right? it's not like my "friends" care, or like I would call them...aquaintances.
at this point I'm actually contemplating not moving with him, unless i radically change myself cuz I'd be miserable there too I'm guessing..... Oh well we'll see, my mind turns really dark when I'm in this kind of mood, unfortunatly I should say...
And in a few days my dad would have had his b-day if he was still alive, i really miss him alot :/
But I have some stuff to do now so...bye all and Merry X-mas if I don't write before.
/ lisah
lördag 8 december 2012
måndag 10 september 2012
Monday again...
Seems like the time flies, been trying to keep busy and not to go into one of my wonderful depressing modes...not the easiest thing in the world to do I can tell you that.
So found an oooold game that I love playing, loosing hours by playing it Dungeon Keeper, however haven't played it yesterday since i started a "my little pony" design...or a sexy mlp like a friend of mine wanted as a tattoo. Also got invited to a party, don't know if I want to go, since I've become sortof a recluce only going out when i'm going to the gym etc.
Oh well on thursday I have pre-rehab thing, with painting, now that might be fun, and i might actually meet some fun ppl eventhough all of them has problems..but whatever it gets me out of the apartement at least for a few hours.
When it comes to E, i don't know what to do, I'm not jealous "per-se" that he has a girl talking to him both online and in texting, but it does make me realize how lonely I really am. I also know that my feeling a bit hurt is not on him, it's inside me.
However I do need to really have a talk with him IF he really want to live with me or not, cuz sometimes it doesn't feel that way, and that's probably why I keep procrastinating getting a 3 room apartement. That and where it's going to be. I also need to know that if he leaves I will have to be able to pay the rent... Oh well that's a later "problem" i guess. need to focus on not being depressed out of my whits and not crying infront of E which is hard in this small apartement.
But anywho... going to try to keep this place clean now...not easy that either, and suppress my feeling of just giving up my diet and go on a BINGE. but I have a goal and being a Taurus I will NEVER give up that dream, not now that I've started.
Well that's my monday rant, hope you guys have a good week, I'll try to have one but...well you never know
//Lisah
So found an oooold game that I love playing, loosing hours by playing it Dungeon Keeper, however haven't played it yesterday since i started a "my little pony" design...or a sexy mlp like a friend of mine wanted as a tattoo. Also got invited to a party, don't know if I want to go, since I've become sortof a recluce only going out when i'm going to the gym etc.
Oh well on thursday I have pre-rehab thing, with painting, now that might be fun, and i might actually meet some fun ppl eventhough all of them has problems..but whatever it gets me out of the apartement at least for a few hours.
When it comes to E, i don't know what to do, I'm not jealous "per-se" that he has a girl talking to him both online and in texting, but it does make me realize how lonely I really am. I also know that my feeling a bit hurt is not on him, it's inside me.
However I do need to really have a talk with him IF he really want to live with me or not, cuz sometimes it doesn't feel that way, and that's probably why I keep procrastinating getting a 3 room apartement. That and where it's going to be. I also need to know that if he leaves I will have to be able to pay the rent... Oh well that's a later "problem" i guess. need to focus on not being depressed out of my whits and not crying infront of E which is hard in this small apartement.
But anywho... going to try to keep this place clean now...not easy that either, and suppress my feeling of just giving up my diet and go on a BINGE. but I have a goal and being a Taurus I will NEVER give up that dream, not now that I've started.
Well that's my monday rant, hope you guys have a good week, I'll try to have one but...well you never know
//Lisah
fredag 7 september 2012
Dear god I'm boring
I have just now realized this...don't know why. I turn down parties etc not really socialble any longer.
I've never been much for dating and have come to realize that I am as i said a few years ago going to be alone with my cats, it's sad but true. for whatever reason people that I am living with, as friends or as partners seem to after about 3 years get extremely bored with me. I'm not a fun person....even if they knew that I don't do much except for drawing.
Oh well better to realize this now I suppose, the only thing that sucks is that I see all these happy couples everywhere, and I no long am apart of that unity. It truely SUCKS.
As most of those who know me, I'm not much for the hunt, or the chasing for that matter...so from now on FUCK it all. I'm done with this bullshit!
I know that you should never give up on love...but, for now I just don't care. To quote Meg from Hercules: Sometimes it's better to be alone, nobody can hurt you.
And with that I wish you a great weekend, party some for me too
// Lisah
I've never been much for dating and have come to realize that I am as i said a few years ago going to be alone with my cats, it's sad but true. for whatever reason people that I am living with, as friends or as partners seem to after about 3 years get extremely bored with me. I'm not a fun person....even if they knew that I don't do much except for drawing.
Oh well better to realize this now I suppose, the only thing that sucks is that I see all these happy couples everywhere, and I no long am apart of that unity. It truely SUCKS.
As most of those who know me, I'm not much for the hunt, or the chasing for that matter...so from now on FUCK it all. I'm done with this bullshit!
I know that you should never give up on love...but, for now I just don't care. To quote Meg from Hercules: Sometimes it's better to be alone, nobody can hurt you.
And with that I wish you a great weekend, party some for me too
// Lisah
torsdag 16 augusti 2012
Middle of august
Wow, it's already the middle of august, time sure does fly.
What has happened since last I wrote...well I've started deffing (dieting more like a bodybuilder) working out...Ive set a goal to reach 55 kg by new years and it's actually going good. I have no cravings for chocolate, which is huge...and wierd. I've also decided to quit another bad habit, so cutting down on that...I know how I get if I do that cold turkey...and that is never a good thing.
We are looking for a place to start a business within tattooing and massage, don't know yet if it's going to be in Alingsås or in Kinna. i just know that I wanna live with E eventhough we technically broke up. I still get wierd signals though. It's more or less the same as it's been since febuary just without the sex. And I love having him as my best friend since we can talk about everything.
But about the deff thing... i've realized I love baking stuff that contains less calories, just made a protein apple-tart which tastes really fn good...and the whole thing is 500 kcal, my regular contains 2400 per cake...so yeah, good stuff.
The only thing that really bothers me is that I'm so tired, it doesn't matter how long or how much I sleep..come 2-3 pm and I'm down for the count, usually passing out on the carpet in the livingroom.
I know I don't sleep sleep, since i dream and wake up every so often during the night and it has affected me in such ways as I forget stuff....if I don't write shit up, i forget within 20 minutes. or less. sometimes I go to the kitchen to get coffee and I stand there with my cup in hand wondering what I'm doing in there...kinda scary and it's not any kind of disease I know that since I have regular checkups.
however the workouts are going good, starting to get back into a good enough shape :)
But that's all for now folks, hope to write again soon
/ Lisah
What has happened since last I wrote...well I've started deffing (dieting more like a bodybuilder) working out...Ive set a goal to reach 55 kg by new years and it's actually going good. I have no cravings for chocolate, which is huge...and wierd. I've also decided to quit another bad habit, so cutting down on that...I know how I get if I do that cold turkey...and that is never a good thing.
We are looking for a place to start a business within tattooing and massage, don't know yet if it's going to be in Alingsås or in Kinna. i just know that I wanna live with E eventhough we technically broke up. I still get wierd signals though. It's more or less the same as it's been since febuary just without the sex. And I love having him as my best friend since we can talk about everything.
But about the deff thing... i've realized I love baking stuff that contains less calories, just made a protein apple-tart which tastes really fn good...and the whole thing is 500 kcal, my regular contains 2400 per cake...so yeah, good stuff.
The only thing that really bothers me is that I'm so tired, it doesn't matter how long or how much I sleep..come 2-3 pm and I'm down for the count, usually passing out on the carpet in the livingroom.
I know I don't sleep sleep, since i dream and wake up every so often during the night and it has affected me in such ways as I forget stuff....if I don't write shit up, i forget within 20 minutes. or less. sometimes I go to the kitchen to get coffee and I stand there with my cup in hand wondering what I'm doing in there...kinda scary and it's not any kind of disease I know that since I have regular checkups.
however the workouts are going good, starting to get back into a good enough shape :)
But that's all for now folks, hope to write again soon
/ Lisah
onsdag 18 juli 2012
June 18th
Think how you can feel like such a bitch at times, I keep making decisions that doesn't just involve me, but him as well. like an apartment for example, found one that is not much more in rent than the one we have now, same area and 2 bedrooms, but I haven't really discussed it with E. I know we need it, and in my mind it's just ...make it happen, and if shit happens I can afford the rent on my own. I haven't told him anything about my fears...i know a 2 bedroom would be easier for us, since well...1 bedroom is a bit small, we still sleep in the same bed for crying out loud, and if that doesn't screw with your head, nothing will.
We are living together as best friends, but i get mixed signals and it's driving me insane.
I have started on a diet now as well...I know ...not so good when I feel the way I do, but I have to start somewhere. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and yes I am using E's skill with weightloss...but does that mean I'm using him? I have no idea, but it sure feels like it.
He has been on 2 dates now...not someone he's going to pursue...or so he says...she's a fucking copy of me, just younger, thinner and more innocent. And in my opinion...she could never hack it, not in the long run.
me however, I do what I always do, I seclude myself in my own mind, dwelling on what I did wrong, and dreaming (true or not I don't know) that when we get the other apartment things will work itself out...but i can't know that, that's the thing with foresight... you never know which decision will alter it everything.
But anyways, today is not a very good day, it feels like my heart is breaking, and I just want everything to be allright! I want to just be happy, joyful and be me. But I can't ... and I don't know what to do about it.
The easiest way to loose weight i know is to just starve...it's not a good way, but you get used to the hunger, it becomes bearable. changing everything with food, learning to count calories and shit.... I'm scared that I'll go back to being anorexic. It would be so fucking easy.
I have also realized I'm getting old...31 might not be an old age, but still...if e doesn't want me...what do I have to give to someone else? do I want someone else? if E wants me back, do I still want him? And why on earth would anyone want a fucking doormat? Seriously....I just thought I was way passed this...but I apparently are not.
Well enough of this rant...
Hope to see you soon
// Lisah
We are living together as best friends, but i get mixed signals and it's driving me insane.
I have started on a diet now as well...I know ...not so good when I feel the way I do, but I have to start somewhere. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and yes I am using E's skill with weightloss...but does that mean I'm using him? I have no idea, but it sure feels like it.
He has been on 2 dates now...not someone he's going to pursue...or so he says...she's a fucking copy of me, just younger, thinner and more innocent. And in my opinion...she could never hack it, not in the long run.
me however, I do what I always do, I seclude myself in my own mind, dwelling on what I did wrong, and dreaming (true or not I don't know) that when we get the other apartment things will work itself out...but i can't know that, that's the thing with foresight... you never know which decision will alter it everything.
But anyways, today is not a very good day, it feels like my heart is breaking, and I just want everything to be allright! I want to just be happy, joyful and be me. But I can't ... and I don't know what to do about it.
The easiest way to loose weight i know is to just starve...it's not a good way, but you get used to the hunger, it becomes bearable. changing everything with food, learning to count calories and shit.... I'm scared that I'll go back to being anorexic. It would be so fucking easy.
I have also realized I'm getting old...31 might not be an old age, but still...if e doesn't want me...what do I have to give to someone else? do I want someone else? if E wants me back, do I still want him? And why on earth would anyone want a fucking doormat? Seriously....I just thought I was way passed this...but I apparently are not.
Well enough of this rant...
Hope to see you soon
// Lisah
lördag 16 juni 2012
Long time no write
So I'm here again, writing wierd shit. Alot has happened since last I wrote.
My dad died after the third amputation, I did expect that since they gave him a 20/80 chance of survival due to his heart, lungs and kidneys almost collapsing, but what were they supposed to do, he had gangrein in the wound.
I got a wierd stomachthing that the doctors deemed IBS,, bullshit I say so I've been batteling with them for a little over a year now. Somewhat numbing the pain with morphine, even driving on it to work...which is not a very good thing when you are high as a kite, but there was nothing I could do, needed the money. Well I lost my job due to sickleave, it's a shame but on a brighter note I found an apprenticeship so now I'm working on becoming a tattoo-artist.
They finally realized that it might instead be a hernia or a piece of fat that has become hard..either way, I'm getting operated on tuesday. DAMN I've had angst about that, it's not even funny. I know it's a simple enough procedure, but they are just gonna use lokal anestetics I will however have to tell them about the angst since they might put me under then. Could be good to sleep, but we'll see. Some days i'm afraid of dying, sometimes I truely believe that it would be best for all parties involved.
About a week ago, my bf told me that he has lost a huge part of his lustful feelings for me (he's going through things too) so we desided that we are just going to be living together as best friends... holy fucking shit that is Hard! I have no problems with him chatting with ppl online, not at all, but I am worried that when the time comes and he meets someone...I'm going to react as a jealous bitch...and this since I know he still has feelings for me.
We live in a 2 room apartement right now, and that is too small even for a relationship. We need a 3 room apartement, and when/if we get back together....we both have a sanctuary, or a workroom, either or works fine with me :P
As most of my friends know, I dream...ALOT! and I've dreamt about this ...so it's gonna happen, I just don't know when, and it's annoying the shit out of me, I want a timeline damnit. but we cannot choose these things I guess. And I'm happy just having him in my life right now with everything that's going on.
But I got to go now...so hopefully I'll write soon again.
Xoxo
Lisah
My dad died after the third amputation, I did expect that since they gave him a 20/80 chance of survival due to his heart, lungs and kidneys almost collapsing, but what were they supposed to do, he had gangrein in the wound.
I got a wierd stomachthing that the doctors deemed IBS,, bullshit I say so I've been batteling with them for a little over a year now. Somewhat numbing the pain with morphine, even driving on it to work...which is not a very good thing when you are high as a kite, but there was nothing I could do, needed the money. Well I lost my job due to sickleave, it's a shame but on a brighter note I found an apprenticeship so now I'm working on becoming a tattoo-artist.
They finally realized that it might instead be a hernia or a piece of fat that has become hard..either way, I'm getting operated on tuesday. DAMN I've had angst about that, it's not even funny. I know it's a simple enough procedure, but they are just gonna use lokal anestetics I will however have to tell them about the angst since they might put me under then. Could be good to sleep, but we'll see. Some days i'm afraid of dying, sometimes I truely believe that it would be best for all parties involved.
About a week ago, my bf told me that he has lost a huge part of his lustful feelings for me (he's going through things too) so we desided that we are just going to be living together as best friends... holy fucking shit that is Hard! I have no problems with him chatting with ppl online, not at all, but I am worried that when the time comes and he meets someone...I'm going to react as a jealous bitch...and this since I know he still has feelings for me.
We live in a 2 room apartement right now, and that is too small even for a relationship. We need a 3 room apartement, and when/if we get back together....we both have a sanctuary, or a workroom, either or works fine with me :P
As most of my friends know, I dream...ALOT! and I've dreamt about this ...so it's gonna happen, I just don't know when, and it's annoying the shit out of me, I want a timeline damnit. but we cannot choose these things I guess. And I'm happy just having him in my life right now with everything that's going on.
But I got to go now...so hopefully I'll write soon again.
Xoxo
Lisah
söndag 5 september 2010
Another update
Wow, alot of things have been going on, daddy apparently is better, so he gets to come home tomorrow, unfortunatly I know what that means...he's gonna start drinking again. I have "finally" reached a point now with such things that I'm basically just saying, "you to whatever you want"
Other than that, things are great, I have a job now, so I'm on my fouth workday today, sunday, and I have 5 more days to work, and then I'm off for 2 entire days :) yeay
But I will most likely go to dad's at least one of those 2 days. And I have been starting to work out, it's been that way since about 2 months now, I work out at the gym 6 days of the week, it's a bit tougher when I work but, I still do it :) I think it's a matter of getting used to the early mornings and going to the gym in the afternoon.
But enough about this, I have go to bed soon, getting up at 5,30 tomorrow so I'm at work at 7 am :P
Hopefully I'll update soon, you never know :)
// lisah
Other than that, things are great, I have a job now, so I'm on my fouth workday today, sunday, and I have 5 more days to work, and then I'm off for 2 entire days :) yeay
But I will most likely go to dad's at least one of those 2 days. And I have been starting to work out, it's been that way since about 2 months now, I work out at the gym 6 days of the week, it's a bit tougher when I work but, I still do it :) I think it's a matter of getting used to the early mornings and going to the gym in the afternoon.
But enough about this, I have go to bed soon, getting up at 5,30 tomorrow so I'm at work at 7 am :P
Hopefully I'll update soon, you never know :)
// lisah
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