Life fucking sux at times

Sometimes I really dislike money, seriously, you need it to survive I get that and when you don't have it there will be pain.
Right now the economy is really low and that is pissing me off royally, I don't like having to turn every penny over but that's what i will have to do...
At this point I'm cutting down on the smoking too ...sure good to do, but not the reason, things like that should be because you want to, not because you HAVE TO.
And I have come to some conclusions, E blurted out that he's staying in Kinna after X-mas, fine...he's starting his business and shit like that....
But whenever I talk to him about the apartement or moving with, it feels like he's doing me a favor and will throw me out when I feel better or something to that effect, which makes me reluctant to even look for one. I've been feeling this since it was certain he was going to move.
I don't want to be a fucking charity, if I will move it's because he wants me there, not because it's more conveniant....
Some realizations hurt like fuck but I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like the one I have no friends, but why? well most likely it's because I don't like drinking and all of my aquaintances does. I like working out...none of my "friends" does, and so it goes. Sometimes I think that E is so tired of me that he'd do anything just to get out, and I can understand, I'm definatly not an easy person to live with especially with my moodswings, etc. I'd pity me too if I were everyone else.
But I'll be alright, I've said this before and I can say it again, I'd rather be alone , nobody can hurt me in that case.
Oh well we'll see how shit goes....I might post later
// Lisah

Some days are just ....GAAAH

I haven't been writing I am aware of this, and mostly because shit is happening. Today has been a really sucky day, had some panic-attacks and depression is suficing not fun at all but what am I supposed to do?
I have realized that I am percieved as passive agressive, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm turning into my mom, NOOOOOO!!!! clenching fists screaming to the sky.
But back to what has been going on....well me and E are not together anymore, apparently the passion has subsided, still living together as friends though, and I'm fine with that. Now I just have to learn how to handle him dating others. I'm feeling like i'm back to square one since I have a tendency of loosing myself when I'm in a relationship. So he's moving back to Kinna soon, don't know when though, but we'll see. i'm looking for an apartment there, but  it's not so easy to get one.
that is a huge stress for me the realization that I have to be alone, I really dislike it but I will just have to deal with it.
I have also realized that I have only 3 friends or something like that. and of those one is extremely sick, with leukemia, one is living in the country and one is leaving ... I think that my thing is that I feel like I'm being left hanging, that ppl are forgetting about me like they have in the past. Logically it's not so but emotionally it is and I feel as if I'm shutting down, completely. Turning to Apathy or something like that. But there is probably a reason why the called me the Ice-Queen in the house. Not to mention the biggest tease ever.
But anywho, at this point I know that when it comes to "love" fuck it, cuz I can't handle the hurt anymore, at least not for a looong time (again) And seriously who gives a shit right? it's not like my "friends" care, or like I would call them...aquaintances.
at this point I'm actually contemplating not moving with him, unless i radically change myself  cuz I'd be miserable there too I'm guessing..... Oh well we'll see, my mind turns really dark when I'm in this kind of mood, unfortunatly I should say...
And in a few days my dad would have had his b-day if he was still alive, i really miss him alot :/
But I have some stuff to do now so...bye all and Merry X-mas if I don't write before.
/ lisah