For those who knows me I am a "crazy cat lady"
My eldest cat "lilla gumman" has gotten sick, I think she might have had a brain hemorrhage and cancer in her jaw, which leads to...when to end her suffering. I still see alot of fight in her however she is 19 years old and according to the vet, there is nothing to do except for keeping her comfortable in her last days on this plane of existance.
It will be a hard time for me ahead, almost 2 years ago my precious Jim died, and now Lilla gumman, I am aware that death is a part of life, still, it doesn't hurt any less.
And now I find out that mami, is worried about me, since I take painmeds and she believes that I'm getting addicted...ehm, no I am not, it's not like I go stir crazy if I don't have them, but they do releave my backpain if I need to tattoo. I am aware that this is going to sound like a teenage thing to say, but fine, I'll stop taking any form of medication, even my perscribed meds, cuz why should I? if i am infact a junky.
Unfortunatly with the stress of lilla gumman, I will have to close myself off to the world so that I don't lash out.
I am painfully aware that my stomach will fuck up, so I won't be able to eat, anything other than fluids, which is fine, I need to loose weight anyways.
Something I do know, is that I will not speak to Mami for a while, why should I if she believes me to be a junkie.
It has been a long time since I felt so alone, I know I have friends to a certain extent but no matter what, they can't be here 24/7 and at most times I'm very much alone, which right now I don't mind. Humans tend to let you down no matter what they say,that they are gonna be there. It's not like I call anyone at 3am, unless it's someone in another country.
And the only ppl I know in other countries are Mami, and and old friend who has a life of his own.
anyways, I'm gonna try to sleep now, if I can
/Lisah
onsdag 19 september 2018
söndag 1 juli 2018
Several years later
Back again after a long absence, I've been trying to keep afloat for a long period of time, I don't really know how that's going but...I'm still here.
So what's been going on since last I wrote, haven't even checked what I wrote last.
I moved to Borås, about 3 years ago I think. My sweet beloved kitty Jim passed away, which was damn hard psychologically, and to this day I miss him so much it hurts.
A little over a year ago a young female kitty came along I named her Monster, and this winter a young male came in that I named Djinn
I still tattoo, and hardly sleep so no change there, and right now everything just feels like...meh
Everyone I am aquaintance or supposed to be friends with only come calling when they need something, be it a tattoo or other favors, I get it, they have their own shit, but it makes me feel like...what's the point of meeting new ppl? in the end I'm only a secondhand friend anyways, or the one that is good to contact whenever they don't have anyone more fun to hang with....and I cannot take it anymore.
In some ways I should be charging my batteries with going to the house in the woods, or something like that, but at the same time it's all about my mood, since I have both good and bad memories out there and when my mood is not great, bad thoughts take over :/
I am sure of one thing, which is sad to say... I don't have any real friends, I genuinely belive that noone would react if I disappeared for a while, shut off anything electronic, didn't pick up the phone or answer on messenger, because however crass it sounds, I don't really mean that much to them, and that's just how it is and in this instance I just have to accept that, however heavy it might be
And when it comes to new ppl, especially guys...I know that they want something sexual...nothing else, cuz getting to know someone nowadays apparently is done in the nude...whatever
What I will have to be doing before the year ends is to try to strenghening my body through exercise (gym, dear god that debacle with ppl staring at me...) and I WILL get stronger and more limber, I need it, and become thinner too..I know old thoughts, negative thoughts, but whatever...it doesn't matter if I don't eat, more foods for the cats
And then i have other things I need sorting, like not letting the loneliness overtake me, Radical acceptance they called it in DBT
What really bugs me still from my childhood is the words ringing in my ears, noone likes you if you don't agree with them, if you're not skinny, if you're not like EVERYONE else. and I can't be like everyone else. Sure I can fake it for a while, but to keep up that facade, it doesn't work in the long run?
Is there evern room for me in other pples lives? that doesn't involve favors or tattoo's or whatever else they'll have me do? It sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
/Lisah
So what's been going on since last I wrote, haven't even checked what I wrote last.
I moved to Borås, about 3 years ago I think. My sweet beloved kitty Jim passed away, which was damn hard psychologically, and to this day I miss him so much it hurts.
A little over a year ago a young female kitty came along I named her Monster, and this winter a young male came in that I named Djinn
I still tattoo, and hardly sleep so no change there, and right now everything just feels like...meh
Everyone I am aquaintance or supposed to be friends with only come calling when they need something, be it a tattoo or other favors, I get it, they have their own shit, but it makes me feel like...what's the point of meeting new ppl? in the end I'm only a secondhand friend anyways, or the one that is good to contact whenever they don't have anyone more fun to hang with....and I cannot take it anymore.
In some ways I should be charging my batteries with going to the house in the woods, or something like that, but at the same time it's all about my mood, since I have both good and bad memories out there and when my mood is not great, bad thoughts take over :/
I am sure of one thing, which is sad to say... I don't have any real friends, I genuinely belive that noone would react if I disappeared for a while, shut off anything electronic, didn't pick up the phone or answer on messenger, because however crass it sounds, I don't really mean that much to them, and that's just how it is and in this instance I just have to accept that, however heavy it might be
And when it comes to new ppl, especially guys...I know that they want something sexual...nothing else, cuz getting to know someone nowadays apparently is done in the nude...whatever
What I will have to be doing before the year ends is to try to strenghening my body through exercise (gym, dear god that debacle with ppl staring at me...) and I WILL get stronger and more limber, I need it, and become thinner too..I know old thoughts, negative thoughts, but whatever...it doesn't matter if I don't eat, more foods for the cats
And then i have other things I need sorting, like not letting the loneliness overtake me, Radical acceptance they called it in DBT
What really bugs me still from my childhood is the words ringing in my ears, noone likes you if you don't agree with them, if you're not skinny, if you're not like EVERYONE else. and I can't be like everyone else. Sure I can fake it for a while, but to keep up that facade, it doesn't work in the long run?
Is there evern room for me in other pples lives? that doesn't involve favors or tattoo's or whatever else they'll have me do? It sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
/Lisah
torsdag 4 februari 2016
And I'm here again
Yes I know that my post are far in between, as of right now I'm not doing much, I have regressed into basically sleeplessness so my sleep ranges from 1,5 hour to about 4 hours per 24hour period
As it is right now I've just come on sickleave again from work, cause I'm getting sick all the time, due to lack of sleep, which sux since it was going so well.
But since the pills they have prescribed for me doesn't work I'll just have to deal I guess. I have recieved a weighted blanked which is supposed to make me feel more at ease, will have to use it for a while to be able to evaluate that one.
But since I cannot sleep I do draw alot, chat alot with ppl that in fact want to chat with me, unfortunatly they tend to just want one thing.
I also have gained quite a few kg's since I moved out on my own so as of tomorrow, my plan is to limit my intake to about 1500 kcal per day, I have about 40 kg's to loose which is a bitch to do when you don't sleep, but hey, I'm going to try, can't do more than that.
So what else is new? hmm, not much really, life is the way it is, going to Psych on a regular basis and I have an appointment to evaluate the extent of my PTSD so that they put that in my papers since I do regress and get flashbacks, I also know that they tend to not give that diagnosis lightly since it's the only mental illness here that actually can lead to a early retirement....not that I want early retirement anyways I just want it to say on paper that it's what I have...
Anyways, that's the update for ya.
Laterz peepz
// Lisah
As it is right now I've just come on sickleave again from work, cause I'm getting sick all the time, due to lack of sleep, which sux since it was going so well.
But since the pills they have prescribed for me doesn't work I'll just have to deal I guess. I have recieved a weighted blanked which is supposed to make me feel more at ease, will have to use it for a while to be able to evaluate that one.
But since I cannot sleep I do draw alot, chat alot with ppl that in fact want to chat with me, unfortunatly they tend to just want one thing.
I also have gained quite a few kg's since I moved out on my own so as of tomorrow, my plan is to limit my intake to about 1500 kcal per day, I have about 40 kg's to loose which is a bitch to do when you don't sleep, but hey, I'm going to try, can't do more than that.
So what else is new? hmm, not much really, life is the way it is, going to Psych on a regular basis and I have an appointment to evaluate the extent of my PTSD so that they put that in my papers since I do regress and get flashbacks, I also know that they tend to not give that diagnosis lightly since it's the only mental illness here that actually can lead to a early retirement....not that I want early retirement anyways I just want it to say on paper that it's what I have...
Anyways, that's the update for ya.
Laterz peepz
// Lisah
tisdag 22 januari 2013
Wierd feelings today
Well it's been a hectic couple of months, but what I feel today is dispair. I don't know why but I feel like just giving up. It just feels like i'm number 2 again to everyone, I'm good to call or chat with when there is noone else to talk or chat to.
Story of my fucking life, but to quote Meg from "Hercules" sometimes it's better to be alone, nobody can hurt you. It just dawned on me that I have noone to tell me that everything is going to be okey when i'm down, E is no longer in the picture and I feel jealous when he comments on other ppls walls but not on mine, not that mine are perticularly interesting but neither are theirs.
But whatever, when we move in to the 3 room apartement i'm going to close myself off, it's already started, I'm putting on the bitchmask again. Nobody will see me cry, I can do that in the privacy of my own fucking bedroom. It's not fun to realize that there is nobody that will be there when shit gets real, and tough.
But then again I've been through worse, not with the whole insomnia thing on top of it ofc but still.
All I wanna do is crawl under something dark into a cave or something and just disappear for a while, I doubt that ppl would notice or if they did it just feels like they'd be like " good Riddance" which is a very bad feeling to have. It's not that I wanna die, not at all, I wanna follow my dreams and be the best me I can be. But I need to sleep to be able to do that, and with about 2 hours of sleep last night I can't really say I'm rested. And E don't write me, i know he's busy but the jealous part of me just thinks "well why don't you just start something up with the one you write with" because clearly I'm not good enough for him.
But it doesn't matter, i just feel so fucking lonely that it's not even funny.
I'm gonna try to sleep for a bit to see if that will help with my mind....
Story of my fucking life, but to quote Meg from "Hercules" sometimes it's better to be alone, nobody can hurt you. It just dawned on me that I have noone to tell me that everything is going to be okey when i'm down, E is no longer in the picture and I feel jealous when he comments on other ppls walls but not on mine, not that mine are perticularly interesting but neither are theirs.
But whatever, when we move in to the 3 room apartement i'm going to close myself off, it's already started, I'm putting on the bitchmask again. Nobody will see me cry, I can do that in the privacy of my own fucking bedroom. It's not fun to realize that there is nobody that will be there when shit gets real, and tough.
But then again I've been through worse, not with the whole insomnia thing on top of it ofc but still.
All I wanna do is crawl under something dark into a cave or something and just disappear for a while, I doubt that ppl would notice or if they did it just feels like they'd be like " good Riddance" which is a very bad feeling to have. It's not that I wanna die, not at all, I wanna follow my dreams and be the best me I can be. But I need to sleep to be able to do that, and with about 2 hours of sleep last night I can't really say I'm rested. And E don't write me, i know he's busy but the jealous part of me just thinks "well why don't you just start something up with the one you write with" because clearly I'm not good enough for him.
But it doesn't matter, i just feel so fucking lonely that it's not even funny.
I'm gonna try to sleep for a bit to see if that will help with my mind....
lördag 15 december 2012
Life fucking sux at times
Sometimes I really dislike money, seriously, you need it to survive I get that and when you don't have it there will be pain.
Right now the economy is really low and that is pissing me off royally, I don't like having to turn every penny over but that's what i will have to do...
At this point I'm cutting down on the smoking too ...sure good to do, but not the reason, things like that should be because you want to, not because you HAVE TO.
And I have come to some conclusions, E blurted out that he's staying in Kinna after X-mas, fine...he's starting his business and shit like that....
But whenever I talk to him about the apartement or moving with, it feels like he's doing me a favor and will throw me out when I feel better or something to that effect, which makes me reluctant to even look for one. I've been feeling this since it was certain he was going to move.
I don't want to be a fucking charity, if I will move it's because he wants me there, not because it's more conveniant....
Some realizations hurt like fuck but I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like the one I have no friends, but why? well most likely it's because I don't like drinking and all of my aquaintances does. I like working out...none of my "friends" does, and so it goes. Sometimes I think that E is so tired of me that he'd do anything just to get out, and I can understand, I'm definatly not an easy person to live with especially with my moodswings, etc. I'd pity me too if I were everyone else.
But I'll be alright, I've said this before and I can say it again, I'd rather be alone , nobody can hurt me in that case.
Oh well we'll see how shit goes....I might post later
// Lisah
Right now the economy is really low and that is pissing me off royally, I don't like having to turn every penny over but that's what i will have to do...
At this point I'm cutting down on the smoking too ...sure good to do, but not the reason, things like that should be because you want to, not because you HAVE TO.
And I have come to some conclusions, E blurted out that he's staying in Kinna after X-mas, fine...he's starting his business and shit like that....
But whenever I talk to him about the apartement or moving with, it feels like he's doing me a favor and will throw me out when I feel better or something to that effect, which makes me reluctant to even look for one. I've been feeling this since it was certain he was going to move.
I don't want to be a fucking charity, if I will move it's because he wants me there, not because it's more conveniant....
Some realizations hurt like fuck but I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Like the one I have no friends, but why? well most likely it's because I don't like drinking and all of my aquaintances does. I like working out...none of my "friends" does, and so it goes. Sometimes I think that E is so tired of me that he'd do anything just to get out, and I can understand, I'm definatly not an easy person to live with especially with my moodswings, etc. I'd pity me too if I were everyone else.
But I'll be alright, I've said this before and I can say it again, I'd rather be alone , nobody can hurt me in that case.
Oh well we'll see how shit goes....I might post later
// Lisah
lördag 8 december 2012
Some days are just ....GAAAH
I haven't been writing I am aware of this, and mostly because shit is happening. Today has been a really sucky day, had some panic-attacks and depression is suficing not fun at all but what am I supposed to do?
I have realized that I am percieved as passive agressive, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm turning into my mom, NOOOOOO!!!! clenching fists screaming to the sky.
But back to what has been going on....well me and E are not together anymore, apparently the passion has subsided, still living together as friends though, and I'm fine with that. Now I just have to learn how to handle him dating others. I'm feeling like i'm back to square one since I have a tendency of loosing myself when I'm in a relationship. So he's moving back to Kinna soon, don't know when though, but we'll see. i'm looking for an apartment there, but it's not so easy to get one.
that is a huge stress for me the realization that I have to be alone, I really dislike it but I will just have to deal with it.
I have also realized that I have only 3 friends or something like that. and of those one is extremely sick, with leukemia, one is living in the country and one is leaving ... I think that my thing is that I feel like I'm being left hanging, that ppl are forgetting about me like they have in the past. Logically it's not so but emotionally it is and I feel as if I'm shutting down, completely. Turning to Apathy or something like that. But there is probably a reason why the called me the Ice-Queen in the house. Not to mention the biggest tease ever.
But anywho, at this point I know that when it comes to "love" fuck it, cuz I can't handle the hurt anymore, at least not for a looong time (again) And seriously who gives a shit right? it's not like my "friends" care, or like I would call them...aquaintances.
at this point I'm actually contemplating not moving with him, unless i radically change myself cuz I'd be miserable there too I'm guessing..... Oh well we'll see, my mind turns really dark when I'm in this kind of mood, unfortunatly I should say...
And in a few days my dad would have had his b-day if he was still alive, i really miss him alot :/
But I have some stuff to do now so...bye all and Merry X-mas if I don't write before.
/ lisah
I have realized that I am percieved as passive agressive, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm turning into my mom, NOOOOOO!!!! clenching fists screaming to the sky.
But back to what has been going on....well me and E are not together anymore, apparently the passion has subsided, still living together as friends though, and I'm fine with that. Now I just have to learn how to handle him dating others. I'm feeling like i'm back to square one since I have a tendency of loosing myself when I'm in a relationship. So he's moving back to Kinna soon, don't know when though, but we'll see. i'm looking for an apartment there, but it's not so easy to get one.
that is a huge stress for me the realization that I have to be alone, I really dislike it but I will just have to deal with it.
I have also realized that I have only 3 friends or something like that. and of those one is extremely sick, with leukemia, one is living in the country and one is leaving ... I think that my thing is that I feel like I'm being left hanging, that ppl are forgetting about me like they have in the past. Logically it's not so but emotionally it is and I feel as if I'm shutting down, completely. Turning to Apathy or something like that. But there is probably a reason why the called me the Ice-Queen in the house. Not to mention the biggest tease ever.
But anywho, at this point I know that when it comes to "love" fuck it, cuz I can't handle the hurt anymore, at least not for a looong time (again) And seriously who gives a shit right? it's not like my "friends" care, or like I would call them...aquaintances.
at this point I'm actually contemplating not moving with him, unless i radically change myself cuz I'd be miserable there too I'm guessing..... Oh well we'll see, my mind turns really dark when I'm in this kind of mood, unfortunatly I should say...
And in a few days my dad would have had his b-day if he was still alive, i really miss him alot :/
But I have some stuff to do now so...bye all and Merry X-mas if I don't write before.
/ lisah
måndag 10 september 2012
Monday again...
Seems like the time flies, been trying to keep busy and not to go into one of my wonderful depressing modes...not the easiest thing in the world to do I can tell you that.
So found an oooold game that I love playing, loosing hours by playing it Dungeon Keeper, however haven't played it yesterday since i started a "my little pony" design...or a sexy mlp like a friend of mine wanted as a tattoo. Also got invited to a party, don't know if I want to go, since I've become sortof a recluce only going out when i'm going to the gym etc.
Oh well on thursday I have pre-rehab thing, with painting, now that might be fun, and i might actually meet some fun ppl eventhough all of them has problems..but whatever it gets me out of the apartement at least for a few hours.
When it comes to E, i don't know what to do, I'm not jealous "per-se" that he has a girl talking to him both online and in texting, but it does make me realize how lonely I really am. I also know that my feeling a bit hurt is not on him, it's inside me.
However I do need to really have a talk with him IF he really want to live with me or not, cuz sometimes it doesn't feel that way, and that's probably why I keep procrastinating getting a 3 room apartement. That and where it's going to be. I also need to know that if he leaves I will have to be able to pay the rent... Oh well that's a later "problem" i guess. need to focus on not being depressed out of my whits and not crying infront of E which is hard in this small apartement.
But anywho... going to try to keep this place clean now...not easy that either, and suppress my feeling of just giving up my diet and go on a BINGE. but I have a goal and being a Taurus I will NEVER give up that dream, not now that I've started.
Well that's my monday rant, hope you guys have a good week, I'll try to have one but...well you never know
//Lisah
So found an oooold game that I love playing, loosing hours by playing it Dungeon Keeper, however haven't played it yesterday since i started a "my little pony" design...or a sexy mlp like a friend of mine wanted as a tattoo. Also got invited to a party, don't know if I want to go, since I've become sortof a recluce only going out when i'm going to the gym etc.
Oh well on thursday I have pre-rehab thing, with painting, now that might be fun, and i might actually meet some fun ppl eventhough all of them has problems..but whatever it gets me out of the apartement at least for a few hours.
When it comes to E, i don't know what to do, I'm not jealous "per-se" that he has a girl talking to him both online and in texting, but it does make me realize how lonely I really am. I also know that my feeling a bit hurt is not on him, it's inside me.
However I do need to really have a talk with him IF he really want to live with me or not, cuz sometimes it doesn't feel that way, and that's probably why I keep procrastinating getting a 3 room apartement. That and where it's going to be. I also need to know that if he leaves I will have to be able to pay the rent... Oh well that's a later "problem" i guess. need to focus on not being depressed out of my whits and not crying infront of E which is hard in this small apartement.
But anywho... going to try to keep this place clean now...not easy that either, and suppress my feeling of just giving up my diet and go on a BINGE. but I have a goal and being a Taurus I will NEVER give up that dream, not now that I've started.
Well that's my monday rant, hope you guys have a good week, I'll try to have one but...well you never know
//Lisah
Prenumerera på:
Inlägg (Atom)