Well it's been a hectic couple of months, but what I feel today is dispair. I don't know why but I feel like just giving up. It just feels like i'm number 2 again to everyone, I'm good to call or chat with when there is noone else to talk or chat to.
Story of my fucking life, but to quote Meg from "Hercules" sometimes it's better to be alone, nobody can hurt you. It just dawned on me that I have noone to tell me that everything is going to be okey when i'm down, E is no longer in the picture and I feel jealous when he comments on other ppls walls but not on mine, not that mine are perticularly interesting but neither are theirs.
But whatever, when we move in to the 3 room apartement i'm going to close myself off, it's already started, I'm putting on the bitchmask again. Nobody will see me cry, I can do that in the privacy of my own fucking bedroom. It's not fun to realize that there is nobody that will be there when shit gets real, and tough.
But then again I've been through worse, not with the whole insomnia thing on top of it ofc but still.
All I wanna do is crawl under something dark into a cave or something and just disappear for a while, I doubt that ppl would notice or if they did it just feels like they'd be like " good Riddance" which is a very bad feeling to have. It's not that I wanna die, not at all, I wanna follow my dreams and be the best me I can be. But I need to sleep to be able to do that, and with about 2 hours of sleep last night I can't really say I'm rested. And E don't write me, i know he's busy but the jealous part of me just thinks "well why don't you just start something up with the one you write with" because clearly I'm not good enough for him.
But it doesn't matter, i just feel so fucking lonely that it's not even funny.
I'm gonna try to sleep for a bit to see if that will help with my mind....
