Think how you can feel like such a bitch at times, I keep making decisions that doesn't just involve me, but him as well. like an apartment for example, found one that is not much more in rent than the one we have now, same area and 2 bedrooms, but I haven't really discussed it with E. I know we need it, and in my mind it's just ...make it happen, and if shit happens I can afford the rent on my own. I haven't told him anything about my fears...i know a 2 bedroom would be easier for us, since well...1 bedroom is a bit small, we still sleep in the same bed for crying out loud, and if that doesn't screw with your head, nothing will.
We are living together as best friends, but i get mixed signals and it's driving me insane.
I have started on a diet now as well...I know ...not so good when I feel the way I do, but I have to start somewhere. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, and yes I am using E's skill with weightloss...but does that mean I'm using him? I have no idea, but it sure feels like it.
He has been on 2 dates now...not someone he's going to pursue...or so he says...she's a fucking copy of me, just younger, thinner and more innocent. And in my opinion...she could never hack it, not in the long run.
me however, I do what I always do, I seclude myself in my own mind, dwelling on what I did wrong, and dreaming (true or not I don't know) that when we get the other apartment things will work itself out...but i can't know that, that's the thing with foresight... you never know which decision will alter it everything.
But anyways, today is not a very good day, it feels like my heart is breaking, and I just want everything to be allright! I want to just be happy, joyful and be me. But I can't ... and I don't know what to do about it.
The easiest way to loose weight i know is to just starve...it's not a good way, but you get used to the hunger, it becomes bearable. changing everything with food, learning to count calories and shit.... I'm scared that I'll go back to being anorexic. It would be so fucking easy.
I have also realized I'm getting old...31 might not be an old age, but still...if e doesn't want me...what do I have to give to someone else? do I want someone else? if E wants me back, do I still want him? And why on earth would anyone want a fucking doormat? Seriously....I just thought I was way passed this...but I apparently are not.
Well enough of this rant...
Hope to see you soon
// Lisah
