Back again after a long absence, I've been trying to keep afloat for a long period of time, I don't really know how that's going but...I'm still here.
So what's been going on since last I wrote, haven't even checked what I wrote last.
I moved to Borås, about 3 years ago I think. My sweet beloved kitty Jim passed away, which was damn hard psychologically, and to this day I miss him so much it hurts.
A little over a year ago a young female kitty came along I named her Monster, and this winter a young male came in that I named Djinn
I still tattoo, and hardly sleep so no change there, and right now everything just feels like...meh
Everyone I am aquaintance or supposed to be friends with only come calling when they need something, be it a tattoo or other favors, I get it, they have their own shit, but it makes me feel like...what's the point of meeting new ppl? in the end I'm only a secondhand friend anyways, or the one that is good to contact whenever they don't have anyone more fun to hang with....and I cannot take it anymore.
In some ways I should be charging my batteries with going to the house in the woods, or something like that, but at the same time it's all about my mood, since I have both good and bad memories out there and when my mood is not great, bad thoughts take over :/
I am sure of one thing, which is sad to say... I don't have any real friends, I genuinely belive that noone would react if I disappeared for a while, shut off anything electronic, didn't pick up the phone or answer on messenger, because however crass it sounds, I don't really mean that much to them, and that's just how it is and in this instance I just have to accept that, however heavy it might be
And when it comes to new ppl, especially guys...I know that they want something sexual...nothing else, cuz getting to know someone nowadays apparently is done in the nude...whatever
What I will have to be doing before the year ends is to try to strenghening my body through exercise (gym, dear god that debacle with ppl staring at me...) and I WILL get stronger and more limber, I need it, and become thinner too..I know old thoughts, negative thoughts, but whatever...it doesn't matter if I don't eat, more foods for the cats
And then i have other things I need sorting, like not letting the loneliness overtake me, Radical acceptance they called it in DBT
What really bugs me still from my childhood is the words ringing in my ears, noone likes you if you don't agree with them, if you're not skinny, if you're not like EVERYONE else. and I can't be like everyone else. Sure I can fake it for a while, but to keep up that facade, it doesn't work in the long run?
Is there evern room for me in other pples lives? that doesn't involve favors or tattoo's or whatever else they'll have me do? It sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
/Lisah
