Some days are just ....GAAAH

I haven't been writing I am aware of this, and mostly because shit is happening. Today has been a really sucky day, had some panic-attacks and depression is suficing not fun at all but what am I supposed to do?
I have realized that I am percieved as passive agressive, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm turning into my mom, NOOOOOO!!!! clenching fists screaming to the sky.
But back to what has been going on....well me and E are not together anymore, apparently the passion has subsided, still living together as friends though, and I'm fine with that. Now I just have to learn how to handle him dating others. I'm feeling like i'm back to square one since I have a tendency of loosing myself when I'm in a relationship. So he's moving back to Kinna soon, don't know when though, but we'll see. i'm looking for an apartment there, but  it's not so easy to get one.
that is a huge stress for me the realization that I have to be alone, I really dislike it but I will just have to deal with it.
I have also realized that I have only 3 friends or something like that. and of those one is extremely sick, with leukemia, one is living in the country and one is leaving ... I think that my thing is that I feel like I'm being left hanging, that ppl are forgetting about me like they have in the past. Logically it's not so but emotionally it is and I feel as if I'm shutting down, completely. Turning to Apathy or something like that. But there is probably a reason why the called me the Ice-Queen in the house. Not to mention the biggest tease ever.
But anywho, at this point I know that when it comes to "love" fuck it, cuz I can't handle the hurt anymore, at least not for a looong time (again) And seriously who gives a shit right? it's not like my "friends" care, or like I would call them...aquaintances.
at this point I'm actually contemplating not moving with him, unless i radically change myself  cuz I'd be miserable there too I'm guessing..... Oh well we'll see, my mind turns really dark when I'm in this kind of mood, unfortunatly I should say...
And in a few days my dad would have had his b-day if he was still alive, i really miss him alot :/
But I have some stuff to do now so...bye all and Merry X-mas if I don't write before.
/ lisah