Long time no write

So I'm here again, writing wierd shit. Alot has happened since last I wrote.
My dad died after the third amputation, I did expect that since they gave him a 20/80 chance of survival due to his heart, lungs and kidneys almost collapsing, but what were they supposed to do, he had gangrein in the wound.
 I got a wierd stomachthing that the doctors deemed IBS,, bullshit I say so I've been batteling with them for a little over a year now. Somewhat numbing the pain with morphine, even driving on it to work...which is not a very good thing when you are high as a kite, but there was nothing I could do, needed the money. Well I lost my job due to sickleave, it's a shame but on a brighter note I found an apprenticeship so now I'm working on becoming a tattoo-artist.
 They finally realized that it might instead be a hernia or a piece of fat that has become hard..either way, I'm getting operated on tuesday. DAMN I've had angst about that, it's not even funny. I know it's a simple enough procedure, but they are just gonna use lokal anestetics I will however have to tell them about the angst since they might put me under then. Could be good to sleep, but we'll see. Some days i'm afraid of dying, sometimes I truely believe that it would be best for all parties involved.

About a week ago, my bf told me that he has lost a huge part of his lustful feelings for me (he's going through things too) so we desided that we are just going to be living together as best friends... holy fucking shit that is Hard! I have no problems with him chatting with ppl online, not at all, but I am worried that when the time comes and he meets someone...I'm going to react as a jealous bitch...and this since I know he still has feelings for me.
We live in a 2 room apartement right now, and that is too small even for a relationship. We need a 3 room apartement, and when/if we get back together....we both have a sanctuary, or a workroom, either or works fine with me :P
 As most of my friends know, I dream...ALOT! and I've dreamt about this ...so it's gonna happen, I just don't know when, and it's annoying the shit out of me, I want a timeline damnit. but we cannot choose these things I guess. And I'm happy just having him in my life right now with everything that's going on.

But I got to go now...so hopefully I'll write soon again.
Xoxo
Lisah